Tag: Letting Go

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The Simplest Meditation

“For today: Slow down and breathe. Feel your heart beating. Make it simpler. Even simpler than that. Inhabit the space  you are in. If it feels too constrictive let go of things. Clear it out. Give away and offer up the things that clutter your space. You are too precious and life is too short. ” -Christy Naida Linson

I had the good fortune to go to Costa Rica on a wonderful yoga retreat recently. It was actually a present to myself for my upcoming 60th birthday, which is in a few months. The person who led the retreat was my friend and teacher, and the person whose words you just read in the quote above. What a treat it was! As was being in the company of 20 other beautiful souls. Even the staff at Pranamar Villas and Yoga Retreat were unforgettable. They were like one big happy family and ever so gracious!

Each day either before or after class, we were given a word, a thought or a question to meditate on and journal about. Upon our arrival, and after a long travel day for most, it was the word “allow” then “arrive.” These are two mighty powerful words that can alter our presence, perspective and our practice. As does the phrase, “I have arrived,” which Thich Nhat Hanh is known for speaking about. As a matter of fact, he has a verse that he suggests is wonderful to practice during walking meditation. It’s the first thing that came to mind when Christy lovingly encouraged us to allow ourselves to arrive:

  • I have arrived. I am home.
  • In the here, in the now.
  • I am solid. I am free.
  • In the ultimate I dwell.

We were encouraged to “allow” our thoughts to arise without judging them as right or wrong (which most of us have been programmed to do at some point in our lives). As Thich Nhat Hanh says in his book, Happiness, “When we focus on arriving, we arrive at the destination of life. The present moment is a destination….I have arrived means I have stopped running. I have arrived in the present moment because only the present moment contains life.”

The act of arriving is the simplest meditation we can do. It is one that will immediately place us in the present moment….the here and now.  You may be thinking otherwise but, with time and practice, we can train ourselves to be the observer and simply witness the thoughts in our heads without engaging or giving life to them. There’s a simple beauty in being able to do so. It also pays to be a keen observer of the obstacles that keep us from being present (which was one of the questions we are asked to reflect on as well).

For me, “arriving” is landing in my body and feeling a deep sense of rooting, connection and grounding. Being so totally in the here and now that I soak in the surroundings, sights, sounds and smells- with each breath, and wherever I am…..at home, the beach, the yoga studio, cleaning or even washing dishes or some other mundane task. It’s giving my attention to how my body is feeling from the subtle sensations to whatever thoughts arise. I try not to get caught up in the thoughts, especially if they do not serve my highest good. Rather, I let them float away as if they were in beautiful white clouds. Staying true to my practice, and my nonnegotiables, is all part of my radical self-care maintenance plan, and it is what allows me to feel like I have arrived.

An obstacle that can sometimes keep me from being present, or feeling like I’ve arrived, is when I have a packed day. Honestly speaking though, part of my self-care regimen is making sure that doesn’t happen. Hence, the discernment I employ (or should I say radial discernment) as to how, when, where, why and with whom I expend my energy on. However, there are those days that are beyond our control. The days that “duty calls.”

On those kind of days, I find myself making sure I do a special morning meditation and set my intention(s) for the day. Also, I make sure to stay hydrated and either pack or purchase wholesome foods and snacks that will fuel me. Music is everything to me, so I make sure to listen to music that will keep me calm, peaceful and serene. No hard rock, hip hop, salsa or merengue…..wink, wink! It’s all about setting the tone and priming my Self for the type of day that awaits me. Preparing oneself for a trying and/or long day can be a meditation in itself. Try it and see!

How else can we practice the simplest of meditations? Well, I personally love watching  the waves roll in. Just like our thoughts, waves come crashing in and then seamlessly flow back out. Watching the sunrise or sunset is also magical and so serene. These are wonderful times of the day to express gratitude for another day of having the privilege of being alive. A slow walk in the park or somewhere outdoors provides us with a lovely opportunity to use the “I have arrived phrase.”

One place I make sure I’ve arrived is in the car. Personally though, I do NOT like listening to any sort of meditation-like talk in the car because it really distracts the brain from the primary task of driving. Zoning out is NOT an option behind the wheel! Being present while driving is a task in itself.

Over the course of the last several months, I have found that one of my favorite things to do is to lay on the floor in a supportive, heart-opening pose and just feel my heart beat. Post- Costa Rica, I find myself doing this a whole lot more as I listen to Steve Gold’s song, So Much Magnificence. For some reason, this song has become my anthem for “allowing and arriving,” as well as letting go of any remains of the day that may be weighing me down.  I think it’s because I would listen to it in the afternoons before class, and it was one of the last songs we listened to while in a delicious restorative pose on our last night of practice. Perhaps it’s a subtle way of keeping those memories and feelings alive!?!?

Just about anything we do can be a simple meditation. The idea is to be engaged fully in whatever it is we are doing, and do just that one thing. The practice simply calls for us to tune into our breath. When we make this a daily practice, we catch ourselves during those times in which we are holding our breath – our life force. Believe me, it happens more than we think, and that’s so not good! Regardless of where we are, whom we are with or what is going on in our lives, we can safely land and arrive in our bodies….one breath at a time.

Inhale Love & Light…Exhale Grace & Gratitude, JTC

 

 

 

 

 

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You’re Not Alone

“No amount of security is worth the suffering of a mediocre life chained to a routine that killed your dreams.” -Maya Mendoza

My previous blog, Relationships Expire, was geared towards friendships that sometimes need to be let go of due to the nature of the circumstances surrounding the friendship itself. While much of what I wrote about can most definitely be applied to romantic relationships, partnerships, unions and marriages as well, this particular blog will explore the excuses that we sometimes use as our reason for staying in a romantic relationship gone bad. Self-doubt, not wanting to be alone and not being able to make a decision – one way or the other –  are key factors that oftentimes keep us stuck.

When I was growing up, Mama would always remind me, “Para ester mal acompañada, mejor ester sola.” Translation: You are better off alone than in bad company.  Perhaps that is why I’ve always had the ability to recognize when a romantic relationship was no longer serving me OR the other person. I’ve never had a problem being alone. The reality is that sometimes we are the loneliest in a relationship. However, some of us prefer to stay in unhealthy and dysfunctional relationships. Why? Because we claim we don’t want to be alone.

Not wanting to be alone / lonely speaks volumes! If we don’t like our own company,  THAT is a problem right there. If we don’t learn how to be in relationship with ourselves, then we will never know how to be in relationship with another. If we can’t love ourselves enough to recognize and acknowledge our needs, how will anyone else do so? If we can’t feel secure on our own two feet, nothing another person does will give us that feeling of security. If we subject ourselves to another person’s alcohol abuse, drug abuse and domestic abuse, we will continue to attract such behaviors at the expense of our mental health and physical well-being. If we can’t dream and aspire to achieve our dreams, no one can do it for us. If we can’t be exceptional role models of what healthy relationships look like for our children, then who will?

Some of us are what I call “routine junkies.” It’s a comfort zone of sorts or may even be a coping mechanism. It’s like we are unable to freely function if we aren’t chained to a routine of some kind regardless of how destructive it may be. We will maintain a stronghold on that routine at all cost –  even if it robs us of our life, love and the pursuit of happiness.

Let me be clear here. There are definitely relationships worth getting in the ring for and doing the work for, and there are many resources and tools out there to help us do so. However, we must first be committed to working on the MOST important relationship of all – the one with ourselves. Only then are we able to come together, have unity of purpose and the skills needed to handle the inevitable conflicts and ups and downs of being in relationship with another person.

And just as there are people in beautiful, healthy, loving, productive and committed relationships for decades upon decades, there are those people who’ve been together just as long but for all the wrong reasons. These are the ones who’ve stayed way past the expiration date. Perhaps they have failed to see that the relationship / union / marriage has died? Do they stay because of the money? The children? The pets? The company? The convenience? The house?  Comfort? Guilt? Self-doubt? Complacency? Because of what others may “think?” How they will be “viewed?” Lack of drive or ambition? Lack of  self – respect / self- love? Fear of confrontation? Lack of skills? Lack of support? Lack of expectations? Inability to make a decision? Fear of starting over? Fear of the unknown? Fear of being alone? Just plain fear?

A long time ago, a psychologist recommended a wonderful book on relationships to me. She prefaced the recommendation by saying that, although the title had the word “marriage” in it, the book was a great tool for anyone fighting for or wanting to be in a healthy relationship. The book, Fighting for Your Marriage, is based on the Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program (PREP). The book is divided into 4 parts: Understanding the Risks on the Road to Lasting Love; Teaming Up to Handle Conflict; Enjoying Each Other; and Staying the Course. I found the book very helpful during a  time when I was in one of THE most challenging relationships of my life. It helped me to realize that we were both on two very different pages and stages of our lives.

Around the same time, I attended an Omega Conference and one of the keynote speakers was Harville Hendrix and his wife, Helen LaKelly Hunt. Together, they published a book, Getting the Love You Want. This book also has an accompanying workbook for couples. And like with many self-help books and programs, part of the work / success comes from examining our own issues, agendas, childhood, traumas and other stumbling blocks that keep us from getting the love we want – and so rightfully deserve. I have come to learn that if we do not have a healthy, loving and compassionate relationship with ourselves, there is no way we can reap the beauty of being in a healthy romantic relationship.

Another book that is a game changer, and one I have also passed on to others, is Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay, by Mira Kirshenbaum. If you are unsure as to whether you should remain in a romantic relationship or call it quits, this book is a step-by-step guide  that will help you make a decision and remove self-doubt from the equation. After all, self-doubt can sabotage the healthiest of relationships, never mind ones in disrepair. This isn’t a book that will tell you ways to fix a broken relationship; it is one that will help you choose whether to leave or stay in the relationship. The scenarios in the book cover just about every challenging issue you can think of and will guide you to make the best decision for yourself. Whichever decision you make, you will feel confident doing so. As one reviewer noted about the book, “A powerful self-help resource for anyone caught in a web of relationship distress.”  Hmmmm….I like that term, a web of relationship distress!

I think it’s safe to say we all enter relationships having certain expectations. However, times change and people do too. The more we evolve, grow and mature, the more we come to realize that some romantic relationships MUST have an expiration date. We can acknowledge and honor the fact that we came together for a purpose, we were each other’s teacher, we can identify the value we each added to the relationship yet know when to walk away……respectfully, wisely, compassionately, consciously and maybe even lovingly.

One thing to remember, is that you’re not alone in any of these scenarios. There are people in our lives who support us and have our back, tools to help us identify the root causes of our troubles, professionals that can guide us in working the work, practices that allow us to feel deeply rooted, stable, and supportive, and resources that we can turn to for inspiration, encouragement, motivation, wisdom and enlightenment. The key is tapping into these resources!

Darlings, happiness, joy and love are our birthright. Oftentimes, the only person keeping us from claiming them is ourselves. We don’t need to remain in a dead-end relationship  that is robbing us of these gifts. The choice is ours to make. It always comes down to choice making. The key is making the most evolutionary choice…..the one that will free us to fly, dream, soar, be happy, joyous, live fully, embrace our magnificence and, perhaps, even find love again!

Inhale love & light…Exhale grace & gratitude, JTC

PS- During the month of February, I will be blogging on Sundays and Wednesdays only.

 

 

 

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Relationships Expire

“Let go. Something beautiful wants to grow on its place.”

So let me begin by being totally transparent here and tell you that I waited until late in the day before this blog was set to publish before I sat down to write it. I don’t know why, it just happened…..I’ve been off  my writing schedule a bit, and today I felt a little bit “off my game.” I had something in mind, but it just wasn’t flowing, and I’m all about going with the flow.

A part of me didn’t give it a second thought because my “pseudo daughter,” otherwise known as “LL Cool Rutz,” was stopping by to pick up some delicious, home made, old-world, Cuban black beans (made by my friend Barb). By now you know I’m all about sharing, so Barb also put some beans aside for my fellow friend and foodie. I also knew that LL and I would end up in some sort of conversation that would fuel ideas for future blogs.

Now, LL may have thought she was just making a quick pit stop at the treehouse to pick up some food….really? Who comes to a Cuban, Italian-by-injection, food-loving household and doesn’t get fed? Oh, and did I mention she was also going to have a cocktail? Well, the food “drive by” and quick cocktail ended up in a Tito’s jam-fest complete with hummus, chips, popcorn and freshly steamed brown rice, black beans and a side of avocado (mind you, she didn’t want to eat here). So much for a quick pit stop. I’ve learned…don’t ask, just serve!

As we ate curled up on the couch, I shared my thoughts for a blog with LL, and she insisted on the title, Relationships Expire,  because of the direction our conversation was headed. I initially was thinking about romantic relationships, but then we zeroed in on friendships. We talked about how we can get “stuck” in relationships that don’t serve us any longer and why. Here are some questions that were thrown around (in no particular order):

  • With whom do you commiserate?
  • Have you ever felt “stuck” with a person / people because they are part of  your life?
  • You know the saying, “misery loves company?” Is that some kind of coping mechanism? 
  • Are your peers growing alongside you?
  • Can you identify the stagnant relationships in your life?
  • Who guides you along your evolutionary path?
  • Is there someone who drags you down?
  • Is there someone keeping you from growing?
  • Can you identify the givers and the takers in your life?
  • What value do your friends bring to the table?
  • What value do you bring to the table?
  • Are there conversations / stories you are getting tired of telling?
  • Are you OK with letting go of a friendship that no longer serves your greatest good?

OMG I am trying to make sense of some of the notes I took while we were chatting up a storm, and I can’t make heads or tails out of them! It’s like they are written in a foreign language. I have pretty nice handwriting, but what I scribbled literally looks like gibberish! Why on earth do I scribble? Ugh!

Anyway, as we were chatting away, we were also sharing times in our lives where we felt that a relationship had expired. Especially if we are on an evolutionary path. There may come a point where we start to grow apart, and we see the learning gap getting wider and wider. We see that we have less and less in common with a particular friend(s). And that’s OK. Everyone is on their own path and has their own individualized learning plan that must be respected. We may reach a point where we feel we are growing by leaps and bounds, and others are lagging behind – until it gets to the point where we get cut loose or we do the cutting loose. And that is OK. Sometimes, we just have to let go! The key is knowing when to let go!

We each have a role to play in the friendships we develop along this journey called life. Some friendships are longterm, some temporary, and others are transitional. Some ebb and flow, some hover on the surface, and others sink to the bottom. As we grow, mature and evolve, our circle of key friends may decrease in size but increase in value.

Also, different people fulfill the different needs we have as human beings. It’s like we have various “gas tanks” to fill….survival, primal, emotional, intellectual, professional, physical, spiritual, cosmic, creative, etc. It’s very rare for just one person to fill all of these tanks (although occasionally it may happen). That’s just the way it is. Another key factor is being able to identify who is filling these various tanks for us and knowing how we contribute to the lives of others as well. If there isn’t some sort of mutual exchange happening, if we aren’t adding value to each other’s lives, if we aren’t showing up for each other when we need it most, then we must examine the significance of the relationship we are holding onto.

Sometimes, by holding onto a relationship that has expired, we are keeping something truly beautiful from growing in its place. After all, don’t we see that in nature? Nature is truly such an amazing teacher! Periodically, we must do some weeding. We must clear out dead weeds, plant new seeds, nurture and water them, and watch them blossom. Relationships are no different. Just as weeds die, relationships expire!

OK darlings, as LL and I have taken to saying on many evenings, it’s time for me to go to Club Bed –  featuring DJ Pillow and MC Blanky (I saw this posted once and just loved it).

Next up, the second half of our conversation that dealt with romantic relationships. Some have expiration dates as well!

Inhale love & light…Exhale grace & gratitude, JTC