Tag: Loss

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Normalizing Grief

“Grief does not change you. It reveals you. “

Let’s talk about grief, my darlings. As we all know, there are many different types of grief that have nothing to do with the death of an actual person. Grief encompasses the ending of many things; however, in today’s blog I will be going over some pointers to help you to normalize the grief you feel when someone has died.

Let’s first start with the obvious. Despite the fact that there are many organizations that are considered death positive, we overwhelmingly live in a death phobic culture. We see it all around us- from the boardrooms to the beauty industry. We can also see the stoicism that some people display despite them having newly experienced what may have been a devastatingly tragic death of a loved one.

Why? Well… we can probably state the obvious: grief can be seen as a taboo topic. How can we shift that mindset? By being open and discussing loss and the emotions that come along with it. Grief can be isolating, and talking about grief openly can make people feel less alone.

Removing expectations for your grief is helpful as well. I’m sure you’ve all heard the saying that everyone grieves differently. Essentially, there is no right or wrong way to grieve. What works for one person may not for another. What we are looking at here are societal expectations that really do not serve us in the long run. Neither do self-imposed expectations. Allowing for your own individual process to unfold naturally is the key!

You know how we sometimes do things that make us feel uncomfortable because we don’t want someone else to feel uncomfortable? Grief is another area where we see this play out. Remember, you do not have to hide your pain or pretend to be okay. As a matter of fact, being authentic about your own grief actually normalizes it and invites deeper connection with others. Masking your grief to make others feel uncomfortable does not help or serve anyone!

I’ve often said that healing is like a rollercoaster ride. It’s a journey filled with the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. It certainly has it’s ups and downs to say the least. But the thing that is key is to give yourself grace when emotions resurface and reminding yourself that grief is not linear.

Since everyone does grief differently, and grief is not linear, it’s time we ditch the timelines. The truth of the matter is that there is no “right” amount of time to grieve. What is called for here is patience! Be patient with yourself and others as healing takes time, and that is okay!

Don’t tell yourself, “I should be over this by now” or minimize your feelings. All your emotions are valid and deserve the space to exist and be felt. Anger, sadness, guilt, regret, relief, joy- these are all part of the process. Avoid gaslighting your own grief. Remember, grace and no judgement!

Here is one of my favorites: cancel plans when you need to. Grief can be overwhelming, especially for highly sensitive people. If there is anything we’ve learned given the times we are living, and the immense collective grief we are experiencing, is that it is perfectly okay to prioritize your mental health and well-being by stepping back when needed. What other people think is there business and none of yours!

One of the hardest things to do, especially if you consider yourself to be the go-to person, the fixer, is simply to be without fixing. I know, that’s a difficult one for some of us, and it is a skillset that takes practice. While we may believe that grief needs solutions, it doesn’t. Grief needs acknowledgement. Sometimes, just sitting with someone and listening can mean the most!

It’s also important to honor the loss no matter how “big” or “small.” Whether it is the loss of a loved one, a pet, or a dream, your grief is valid. Every loss deserves to be acknowledged and honored. Remember, allow yourself grace!

While grief has no timeline, and it’s not linear, it also doesn’t just vanish. On the contrary, grief evolves over time. For me personally, I feel that time has allowed me to grow more expansive and therefore have the capaciousness to hold my grief and joy. Allowing room for people to talk about their loved ones down the road is a sign of love, not lingering pain!

The last, and very important, factor for normalizing grief is to seek support from friends, family or professionals. Advocate for therapy as a helpful tool. Joining a support group or therapy can provide tools and community for navigating your grief. Normalize asking for help!

I hope you find these pointers useful, and I encourage you to share them as you see fit. These too are conversation starters that can, and will, pave the way to better facilitate having conversations around death and dying and one’s mortality. Let’s be the change and shift the way death is viewed and spoken about with our friends and family!

I also encourage you to reflect on everything you just read and perhaps do a little journaling. Check in with your body. Take a few deep, slow breaths. Feel your connection to the earth. What feelings are you experiencing in your body right now? What are you grieving?

If you would like more resources, visit http://www.goingwithgrace.com

Much gratitude for your time and presence, and remember to be the light, spread the love, and be a blessing.

Sending Full Moon blessings your way! JT Carricarte

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Doula-ing 101

“The best thing we can do for the people we love is to get comfortable with our own feelings.” Rachael Wolff

Greetings, darlings!

So here we are, at the start of our Mortali-tea Conversations with, Yours Truly. If you missed my previous blog, Hello Again, please check it out so you can be brought up to speed on what I’ve been up to in my 2+ year hiatus / sabbatical from blogging and know how to prep for this read.

In that blog, I mentioned how most of us, whether we realize it or not, have been “doula-ing” in one way or another. The role of an end of life doula is not as well known as a birth doula. According to Siri, an end of life doula is “a non-medical companion who provides holistic, personalized support to individuals and their families as they navigate the end-of-life journey. They offer emotional, spiritual, education, advocacy, and respite to both the dying person and their loved ones. Unlike medical professionals, they focus on the person’s wishes and feelings, helping to empower them and their families to make informed choices to ensure a dignified, meaningful death experience.”

Upon reading that, you may wonder: who, what, when, where and why? And I am here to rewind all of that, break it all down and fill in the missing pieces. You see, an end of life doula is so much more and so nuanced than what good old Google provides.

You see, an end of life doula does not only work with the dying and their family. They may even work with people who aren’t even sick or given a diagnosis but have a fear around death, so they work with a doula to address those concerns via a number of ways. More on that later though as so much falls under the umbrella of being an end of life doula. While the role of a death doula is one that is developing in modern society, it actually comes from ancient times.

Remember when I told you to make yourself a cup of tea, or grab something to drink, something to write with, paint, draw or voice record? Well, now may be the time to do so if you haven’t already done so.

Here’s your first assignment: After reading the definition of a death doula, and given any experiences you’ve had around death, dying, a hospice worker or doula, how would you define the role of a death doula? Keep in mind that, as with all things workplace related, a title is one thing and the “role” a person plays is another. One may wear different hats. Keep that in mind as you give yourself about 10 minutes or so to answer the question.

How would you define the role of a death doula was a very powerful exercise we were asked to do the first day of our Going with Grace training. I was part of a cohort of 44 beautiful humans, and we could not repeat the same answer. We went round and round until we felt we had exhausted what we felt was the role of a doula. So here’s what we came up with:

Space holder; presence; calm; lean in; holder; sacred; curiosity; ancestors; awareness; threshold; educator; grace; protecting space; witness; connection; magician; steward; kindness; care work; companion; joining; sacred seeker; open-hearted; patience; support; compassion; advocate; trust; alchemist; co-creator; boundaries; genuine; facilitator; channel; essential; community; normalcy; exploration; reverent; acceptance; empowerment; divine; acknowledgement; confidant; awe; resource; synthesizer; accompaniment; bridge; guide; navigator; foundation; pillar of community; portal; ritualist; vessel; active listener; oneness; mourner; peacemaker and waymaker.

What did you come up with? As you can probably tell, the role, tasks and expectations of what it means to be an end of life doula are wide, varied and vastly unique. And as you have probably concluded by now, our gifts, talents, lived experiences, likes, dislikes, strengths and weaknesses also come into play.

This would be a good time for you to reflect and perhaps write about experiences or people whom you have supported through the dying process or served as a caregiver through a grave illness. How did it make you feel? If you are currently a caregiver of a friend or family member, how are you caring for yourself?

How comfortable are you around the topic of death, dying and your personal relationship with death?

How comfortable are you facilitating different conversations and navigating the emotions that accompany them? Are you able to list some examples?

Would you be able to carry out someone’s final wishes even if they are contrary to your own?

I think these questions and reflections are a good way to start dabbling in a conversation with your Self, and others, and lay the foundation for future topics and inquiry around all things related to our own mortality.

Thank you for taking the time to read and maybe even explore some of the above questions. I invite you to continue revisiting them over the next few weeks. Be gentle with yourself, and see what arises!

Much gratitude for your time and presence. Please feel free to leave comments and share of you feel called to do so.

BE the light, spread the love and be a blessing!

Sending New Moon Blessings your way! JT Carricarte

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Scandalous Grace

“Joy is the gift of love. Grief is the price of love.” – Valerie Kaur

I have been reflecting a lot on life’s events from 10 years ago. It was one of the happiest times in my life yet one of the saddest. Light and dark. High and low. As I recalled my memories of the last few months of my mother’s life, I couldn’t help but also think of the person who was in my life at the time.

A person who was instrumental in bringing Mama and me so much joy.  A person who was by my side when we laid my mother to rest two weeks before my fiftieth birthday. A person who took me sky diving for my 50th. A person whom I have been reluctant to write about but did mention briefly in a couple of blogs last year. A person who I said I would “leave for a future blog” on multiple occasions. Well, I think this is finally the occasion and the blog. Allow me to introduce you to “Scandalous.”

Scandalous had many nick names….some given by me and others that friends coined. This particular one was given to him by a school secretary. Frankie came to school, where I was a vice-principal, to take me on a lunch date. Now mind you- this is a man who dresses to the nines, can sport conservative clothes as well as the most outlandish, is an engineer by trade,  has been truly gifted with the most logical, orderly, and organized left brain as well as the most creative, imaginative and artistic right brain. It’s no wonder we got along so well. There was never a dull moment between us….each moment was powerful and wonder-filled! But what did he choose to wear the day he came to pick me up?

Would you guess if I told you that he picked me up on his motorcycle!?!?!?! If you guessed leather chaps, you guessed right (and a leather vest, bandana on his head…the whole enchilada). I still recall Sara, the school secretary, calling me with a sense of urgency in her voice. When he showed up and “strutted” into my office, I understood why the urgent tone in Sara’s voice. OMG! Although I tried not to show it, I cringed when I saw him and immediately fast forwarded to how I was going to introduce him to my principal AND how I was going to get him out of the building without many people seeing him. Well, I did, and we did, and the rest is history. We often joked and laughed at the memories of that day.

So now you understand how the nick name “Scandalous” originated. On that fall Friday afternoon, we rode off on his LOUD, colorful motorcycle and, unbeknownst to me, the principal gathered  the office staff, and they crowded by the window to check out the entire scene as “Ms. Carricarte” got on a motorcycle (probably in high heels) and with a “scandalous” looking guy.

Scandalous and I had known each other for about 6 years or so at that time. We would frequently see each other at the gym on the weekends. During the summer of 2008, as my mother was in hospice and coming to the end of her life, I decided I would spend most of the weekends with her. However, I had to make sure I took care of Me first if I was going to hole myself up with her in the nursing home every weekend. And it was then that Scandalous and I saw each other after a while of me being absent from the gym. As with all things in life, timing and circumstances brought us together like never before.

Scandalous had always been a flirt, but I rarely paid any mind to it. Actually, I always found him entertaining. However, this time around was different. I found myself being the flirt…or overly enthused and happy to see him. Take your pick. Perhaps  I needed to laugh, as I was already starting to grieve my mother’s pending loss. And believe me when I say that laughter was a mainstay with me and Scandalous. No one has ever brought out my inner child the way he did. We were like two little kids whenever we were together. Talk about mindfulness and being present…..it’s as if time stood still whenever we were together. We were so engrossed in whatever we were doing, or whatever antics he would be up to, or we would be up to, that I could not help but be 100% engaged in any given moment.

Scandalous’ life was “complicated,”  which is one of the reasons I never got involved with him prior to that point in time. However, it got even more complicated once our souls connected and our grand love affair took flight.  We spent as much time together as we could. It was easy, it was fun, romantic, he’d stay over, we’d go out all the time, and we’d go away quite a bit…until the time came when I realized this “complicated affair” was not serving my highest good… nor his. Our 15 months together were the equivalent of having been together for 10 years.

Throughout those first few months we were together, Scandalous got to meet my Mama and made sure she knew that he would take care of me when she was gone. Scandalous always had a very charitable and generous spirit and always knew how to handle things, so that just made him even more endearing. And during those last few months of Mama’s life, Scandalous brought a lot of love, joy, fun and laughter into her world. His sense of humor,  jokes, zaniness and thoughtfulness made her laugh, cry and also brought her a sense of peace and serenity. Mama even called him “mi segundo hijo,” which translates to “my second son.” In her mind, she was handing me off to him, and all would be well in my world.

Needless to say, he was there for both of us and was instrumental in helping me to  honor my mother in fun and creative ways. However, full-blown grief came out to play once I ended the relationship. Little did I know that I was about to embark on a period of grief that, compounded with other losses (which I’ve written about in past blogs), would amount to about six of the darkest years of my life.

The years that followed our breakup were times of much growth for me. Labels, ego, expectations and letting go of attachments was something I was working on at the time we came together. Scandalous taught me what unconditional love in a relationship looked like, along with compassion and patience.  When all was said and done, I learned acceptance – seeing, loving, respecting and honoring others regardless of where they are along their own path / journey. I also learned how to speak my truth clearly, calmly and compassionately without raising my voice, getting angry or heated. Most importantly though, I learned to value my worth and my own values.  However, it didn’t make the breakup, nor the six years that followed, any easier. Those post-Scandalous years were very difficult, painful, and dark to say the least.

At the time  our relationship expired, which was a year to the day after burying  Mama, we woke up together on what would be our last day of doing so. You see, I realized I was done. For the first time since we had gotten together, my soul felt compromised. Deep in my heart, I knew that I had learned whatever lessons I was meant to have learned at that particular juncture in my life, and so had he. But it wasn’t about him…it was about Me.

I vowed to myself to honor what my soul was guiding me to do. No more complications, no more hurts, and no more lies.  Even though the lies were on his part, I was still part of them and an active participant as long as we stayed together. I no longer wanted to be a part of the double life he was living. At this point, I was entrenched in my yoga practice, studying yoga philosophy and knew I was compromising my soul, values, morals, ethics and beliefs. I just couldn’t do it any longer. Authenticity was a MAJOR life lesson for me in my 50’s. I worked hard (and still do) at living my yoga, both on and off the mat, with intention, integrity and grace.

Ahhhh “grace”…those mindful and meaningful moments of grace were a constant after our breakup, as well as continued faith, joy, gratitude, inner fortitude, resilience, peace, calm……and grief. These were such dark and sad times for me. I tried to find the grace and joy in each of those moments no matter how I was feeling. Actually, I felt like a part of my soul was missing, I felt like I had lost my best friend. More than anything I missed, and still miss, our friendship more so than the romantic relationship.

For years after our breakup, I couldn’t listen to dance music, and I felt like a light had been extinguished in my soul. That’s when I started to experience the “grief is the price of love” thing. I was grieving my mother, the breakup, and an injury that brought with it yet more losses, including the end of my career (not on my terms), and much physical, emotional and psychological pain. Through it all, my light-filled Treehouse oasis (which I moved to a few months after the breakup) became more and more of a sacred healing place filled with much love, light and joy.

The Treehouse became a place for me to  retreat to and pamper my mind, body and spirit. It was, and still is, where I leave the world behind and go within. I cook, read, write and reflect a whole lot at home. I enjoy the peace, quiet, serenity, tranquility  and ambiance within the walls and the nature that surrounds me.  Little did I know that Scandalous, as well as these last ten post-Scandalous years, would lead me to the place and the woman I am today.

One month shy of my 60th, I think its safe to say I have grown into someone who is brave and fearless yet vulnerable; wild and free yet responsible;  fierce and steadfast yet flexible;  compassionate and kind yet discerning; open and accepting, yet conscious of healthy boundaries; honest, truthful, transparent and unapologetically real….AND the bonus was I learned the beauty of leaving one’s ego at the door. It’s amazing how the universe is always presenting me with opportunities to use these skillful gifts. Yep, the lessons keep coming, deeper, with more layers and more complexities each time. Like the saying goes, “We can be a masterpiece and a work in progress.”

What can I say?  Thank you, Universe! Thank you, Scandalous!  While I feel these are pretty healthy, balancing, abundant and harmonious gifts, I also know they constantly need tending to, chiseling and polishing. Our work is never done! One thing is for sure though: taking the time to “do me” these past ten years have blessed me with these endless gifts of grace….Scandalous Grace. 

I guess I should mention that, on a few occasions over the years, Scandalous has even shown up at my door…unexpectedly. We’ve spoken about the “void” and have even tried doing “the friend thing.” Although the energy and soul recognition / connection will always exist between us, the “friend thing” just does NOT work for us. Especially when it’s apparent to you that you are not on the same playing field, nor on the same page, and you realize the woman you have grown into will not compromise her Soul ever again. There’s no turning back. Now that is scandalous grace!

So, my darlings, there you have it. Scandalous 101- done and done!

Inhale Love & Light…Exhale Grace & Gratitude, JTC

PS- For more on relationships, you may want to check out two of my previous blogs, Relationships Expire and You’re Not Alone. As always, thanks for caring and sharing!

 

 

 

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Choosing Love at All Times

“Love has the ability to multiply itself. It has a mysterious component in that it always multiplies itself, and it never divides.” 

I just came across this sentence in yet another book I am reading (yep, number 3). Since I was going away, I didn’t want to carry any hardcover, cumbersome books. Instead, I grabbed a small, soft-covered book that I have had for years yet had not read. The book, Returning to Oneness – The Seven Keys of Ascension, by Leslie Temple-Thurston with Brad Laughlin, was the perfect travel companion.

This has been a love-filled week… the Royal Wedding, time spent with loving friends and family, being the recipient of many acts of lovingkindness and generosity of spirit, as well as opportunities that required me to dig deep and choose love (see previous blog, Love is Wisdom inAction). I’ve also had the opportunity to send out love in many ways to others, some whom were aware and others who may not have even had an inkling I was doing so.

Which leads me to a little exercise the author noted in a section of the book which goes on to talk about the fact that beyond loss and gain we can always find love:

If you are feeling love, even for five minutes in the middle of some working day, stop and watch how all-encompassing it is. It connects and contains, Send it out in the form of gratitude, appreciation and wishes for others to receive the gift of grace that you are enjoying in the moment. Just let your heart center create the intentions and the love will do its work of multiplication.

If we are in a state of choosing love at all times, then we can, in fact, see beyond the loss and gain. Why? Because the energy exchange of love does not involve loss or gain. It just is.  It is a state of heart. It is a state where we have shifted into. It means shifting into a love-based state from a power or fear-based state.

Getting past a fear-based state requires a lot of work, blood, sweat and tears. Fear, in all its glory, is actually tied to loss. And, as we know by now, loss comes disguised in many fashions. When we think of loss, we tend to think of someone dying, a job we lost or a relationship that has ended. A part of the book which caused me to pause and journal, was the example of the many different kinds of loss we experience in our lifetime.

As noted, “Some examples of loss would be: disapproval, criticism, blame, rejection, betrayal, abandonment, self-doubt, lack of self-esteem, withholdings, and grievances. Loss can me so many things on so many levels: loss of face, of dignity, of energy, of happiness, of connection, of resources, of inspirations, of your divine state and so forth.”

Wow! Reading this made me pause for a long time. It made me examine how these losses have played out in my own life. It was a choice I made because I don’t want my Ego’s limited mind messing with my Soul’s natural state of wholeness and boundlessness. Playing “the witness” allowed me to look at the shadow issues that may still be lurking in the crevices of my conscious and subconscious mind. It’s very interesting to witness what “shows up” when we tackle the  patterns surrounding the different states of loss. As I like to say, “our work is never done.” If we want to live in a state of higher vibration, we must take the time to do the work, And remember, it’s a practice, not a perfect. Hence, the lessons that constantly tend to show up for us – especially when we least expect them!

Each and every day, we are faced with situations and circumstances that will require us to make a choice, Will we choose a low vibrational habit such as grievance, regret, resentment, fear and anger, or will we  let go of all that and choose love? As noted in the book, “Letting go is a very important part of the path of love and, be assured, it gets easier with practice.”

Ah, there’s that word again: Practice. And you know what I’m about to say next, don’t you? Everything, every THING, is a practice – not a perfect. So you see, the more we practice, the easier it does get. It becomes our default setting (I spoke about default settings in a previous blog, Don’t Be Amazing…Be Available).

When we tap on the doorway of the heart, fling the door wide open, and welcome that light filled, divine presence within us, we witness our natural state, which is love. It’s inside each and every one of us! We just have to “clean house.” In doing so, we are making ourselves available for that beautiful and abundant exchange of energy that is in a constant state of multiplication. In choosing love at all times, we are opening ourselves up to the grace of knowing the our Ego is not our true self. Rather we connect with our true essence – the essence of our soul, the experience of pure “beingness.” And in the process, we’ve learned to kick the Ego to the curb.

And if we aren’t there yet, we can rest assured that life will constantly give us opportunities to master this lesson. So even if our Ego hasn’t quite made it to the curb yet, we can at least show it the way to our front door! That is, of course, if we have evicted it from the room / space it is housing in our brain. Just keep choosing love at all times!

I will leave you with a meditation, from the first chapter of the book, which I just finished. May this blog and the meditation serve you in one way or another. Rest in the knowingness that you will gain from it whatever it is you need. That’s the beauty of guided meditations. We can do the same one consecutively, but what shows up may differ each time!

A MEDITATION

Sit comfortably. Take five or seven deep breaths until your breathing becomes calm and deep. Now visualize your core as it is situated along the central axis of the body. It looks rather like a luminous fluorescent tube running down the center of your subtle body. In the physical body, it corresponds more or less to the spine but sits slightly in front of it. By visualizing it, you begin to feel its presence.

Imagine that you, as your essential Self, are the core. Think of how we write the letter “I,” a straight vertical column. It means us – who we are. The letter “I,” describing who we are, comes from the shape of the core. It is the most powerful energy meridian in all the bodies, and it is actually the “I.” It is where the presence of the “I am-ness” is situated in us. At the same time, it is also situated at the very center of the cosmos. It is not to be confused with the “I am something in particular,” such as “I am a loser,” “I am an artist,” or “I am tall with  brown eyes.”

Sit with your attention on the core, holding center and feel your ‘I am-ness” for a while.

Oh, and if you missed Bishop Michael Curry’s sermon at the Royal Wedding, go to youtube and check it out, check it out, check it out…wink, wink. He’s now one of my favorites, right up there along with Pastor Carl Lentz. And one last thing, keep putting yourself in the way of love!

Inhale Love & Light…Exhale Grace & Gratitude, JTC