Doula-ing 101

“The best thing we can do for the people we love is to get comfortable with our own feelings.” Rachael Wolff

Greetings, darlings!

So here we are, at the start of our Mortali-tea Conversations with, Yours Truly. If you missed my previous blog, Hello Again, please check it out so you can be brought up to speed on what I’ve been up to in my 2+ year hiatus / sabbatical from blogging and know how to prep for this read.

In that blog, I mentioned how most of us, whether we realize it or not, have been “doula-ing” in one way or another. The role of an end of life doula is not as well known as a birth doula. According to Siri, an end of life doula is “a non-medical companion who provides holistic, personalized support to individuals and their families as they navigate the end-of-life journey. They offer emotional, spiritual, education, advocacy, and respite to both the dying person and their loved ones. Unlike medical professionals, they focus on the person’s wishes and feelings, helping to empower them and their families to make informed choices to ensure a dignified, meaningful death experience.”

Upon reading that, you may wonder: who, what, when, where and why? And I am here to rewind all of that, break it all down and fill in the missing pieces. You see, an end of life doula is so much more and so nuanced than what good old Google provides.

You see, an end of life doula does not only work with the dying and their family. They may even work with people who aren’t even sick or given a diagnosis but have a fear around death, so they work with a doula to address those concerns via a number of ways. More on that later though as so much falls under the umbrella of being an end of life doula. While the role of a death doula is one that is developing in modern society, it actually comes from ancient times.

Remember when I told you to make yourself a cup of tea, or grab something to drink, something to write with, paint, draw or voice record? Well, now may be the time to do so if you haven’t already done so.

Here’s your first assignment: After reading the definition of a death doula, and given any experiences you’ve had around death, dying, a hospice worker or doula, how would you define the role of a death doula? Keep in mind that, as with all things workplace related, a title is one thing and the “role” a person plays is another. One may wear different hats. Keep that in mind as you give yourself about 10 minutes or so to answer the question.

How would you define the role of a death doula was a very powerful exercise we were asked to do the first day of our Going with Grace training. I was part of a cohort of 44 beautiful humans, and we could not repeat the same answer. We went round and round until we felt we had exhausted what we felt was the role of a doula. So here’s what we came up with:

Space holder; presence; calm; lean in; holder; sacred; curiosity; ancestors; awareness; threshold; educator; grace; protecting space; witness; connection; magician; steward; kindness; care work; companion; joining; sacred seeker; open-hearted; patience; support; compassion; advocate; trust; alchemist; co-creator; boundaries; genuine; facilitator; channel; essential; community; normalcy; exploration; reverent; acceptance; empowerment; divine; acknowledgement; confidant; awe; resource; synthesizer; accompaniment; bridge; guide; navigator; foundation; pillar of community; portal; ritualist; vessel; active listener; oneness; mourner; peacemaker and waymaker.

What did you come up with? As you can probably tell, the role, tasks and expectations of what it means to be an end of life doula are wide, varied and vastly unique. And as you have probably concluded by now, our gifts, talents, lived experiences, likes, dislikes, strengths and weaknesses also come into play.

This would be a good time for you to reflect and perhaps write about experiences or people whom you have supported through the dying process or served as a caregiver through a grave illness. How did it make you feel? If you are currently a caregiver of a friend or family member, how are you caring for yourself?

How comfortable are you around the topic of death, dying and your personal relationship with death?

How comfortable are you facilitating different conversations and navigating the emotions that accompany them? Are you able to list some examples?

Would you be able to carry out someone’s final wishes even if they are contrary to your own?

I think these questions and reflections are a good way to start dabbling in a conversation with your Self, and others, and lay the foundation for future topics and inquiry around all things related to our own mortality.

Thank you for taking the time to read and maybe even explore some of the above questions. I invite you to continue revisiting them over the next few weeks. Be gentle with yourself, and see what arises!

Much gratitude for your time and presence. Please feel free to leave comments and share of you feel called to do so.

BE the light, spread the love and be a blessing!

Sending New Moon Blessings your way! JT Carricarte